Archive | August 2015

Chasing the minutes, the hours of each day
Continuing the fight to keep the lump in my throat
and the tears away

Emotions in chaos, out of control, highs and lows

The hole in my heart, the void so hard to bear
I thank God for each day he let me hold you near
Have a beautiful birthday in heaven my beautiful daughter
Klysta LaNell Breshears
August 20, 1969 ~ February 19, 2011

ARID HEART She walks among the grass and weeds hearing the crunch of land gone arid. The land is as dry and brown as her heart feels this day Her mind trying to wrap around all that has happened and all that is to come From abandonment as a child, molestation, death and dishonor the trauma in her life would be a best selling story in fact and in fiction for those non-believers. Yet, nothing, nothing compares to the last six months of her life life what a word , we banter it around without realizing what we are saying. Life, rife, strife, trauma , drama  five words to define her entire 60 years. Yet, nothing, nothing compares to the last six months of her life. The call she received that started this nightmare echoes in her head over and over. All the subsequent calls to the detective, with always the same answer ‘nothing’ God her heart hurts and her faith comes and goes, the tears, the tears they flow without provocation. Her daughter passing six months ago on the 19th, her birthday on the 20th of this month. How do you cope with THAT she thinks, a child you carried under your breast, nurtured and nestled. A child you heard cry through the deepest of sleeps; which you needed so badly to find she just needed your touch. The first step; the first tooth all because you ate right, rested took your vitamins and loved her father. God’s plan came into play …to hear  her cry or her laughter, something you only hear distant echoes of now in your mind. Passing a shelf or table with her picture, hearing a song you used to sing to or with her,  God what were you thinking?  as she turns to walk back. Hearing a cricket reminds her of the first time she showed her how to catch one and put it in the match box with holes for it to breathe.  Telling her crickets are good luck and they help you sleep. Spraying her best perfume one night and Lysol the next under her bed to scare away the monsters ..”mommy don’t forget my closet” she calls as you walk out of her Barbie decorated room. Ahh the memories and now, now she, she is only half alive, trying to be strong for the rest of the family when all she wants to do is stand on a mountain top screaming. The chore she has immediately ahead of her is one of great apprehension; for she must go to her daughter’s home and sort  through her things. Choosing memories for others. This walk of her life , her Life’s Journey  as she calls it has taken many paths ; never, never any as long or arduous as this path, this journey of dread. God let me live through this let my heart survive, give me strength and understanding and faith to carry through.

JOURNEY
I envisioned your journey in my mind  and heart God’s way of helping me to dismiss the memory of my last view of you my sweet. As you stood on that mountain top, white robe flowing dark hair with streaks of the silver you always wanted your eyes are flashing with happiness and joy and OH they are pain free for the first time in years! You are reaching out your long thin fingers across the vast valley , your hand ready for Him to grasp in his beautifully scarred palms. He smiles and says ” the right hand of my Father  awaits you, for it is your time” you look back one more time and for a minute sadness fills you, a tear slides down your cheek Jesus’ warm hand draws you back to him and you smile once more “I am so sad ” you say He smiles gently , holds your hand and speaks “My child your time on Earth is done, my Father wants you to have the rewards He promised,  for you have been a strong and faithful servant”  This vision that I had gave me peace but did not remove all of my sorrow for I am selfish and wanted you to stay with all of us for many more tomorrows But Heaven needed you more than we did and our lessons are yet to be learned.  Your passing has changed us all some for the better, some not, those of us  true to your memory  celebrate and grieve our life without you; so bear with us your loved ones left behind, wait for us and know we live each day loving you still.