I MADE IT !

Whew! I did it, I made it through the third anniversary of Klysta’s death without committing suicide. 
To be real here you must know that I contemplated many times on each anniversary, birthday hers and mine, holiday and a hundred other days. What has stopped me? My beautiful Dusti Jean and g-son Eric, knowing the pain I go through each day, the way I cry each day for my daughter…I could not put them through that. It will be hard enough when I do actually go…God willing not too soon, I need to get a few things done first. The other is reading blogs of mothers that have lost children to suicide, even with notes left it never answers all the questions and the why’s. 
I have decided that although I will never have a day go by that I don’t cry for the loss of my daughter or think of her, that my promise to myself that I would get better this year, I cannot do it alone.
I have decided to seek professional help (opening a Pandora’s box) I need to contact insurance to see if they will pay if not hopefully I can find an agency that accepts a fee based on sliding scale. 
I know I am no longer strong enough to continue on my own. I need the help and it must, must be individual as I am in no uncertain terms going to bear my soul to a group. I did try that when Klysta first died but the ‘newest’ death was a woman whose husband had passed twelve years before. Not to negate her grief but at that time I was so raw it took all I could do to not jump up and choke her for my pain was so much more and new. I just could not fathom anyone grieving that long…I now know differently and I hope I don’t ever see that woman again for if I do my cheeks will be so red, although she would not know why.
I feel I made it through the nineteenth too because my Dusti Jean called me to tell me she had had her cry that morning and wanted to know how I was doing. That meant the world to me although we both ended up crying and saying how much we loved each other at end of the call. It meant the world to me and gave me the strength to make it. 
So wish me luck on finding a therapist of some kind to help me on this journey.

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