STRUGGLE (April 2013)

Today I am attending the funeral service of a friend, my baby sisters mother in law and my heart is hurting for my brother in law and his family, for their mother was a very special woman who believed that quote ‘everyone could be redeemed if loved enough.’ end quote.
Planning on attending has been difficult for I have  for two years now avoided all funerals, I can barely think of attending this one, it brings up so much emotion.
I have also been reading others posts, those that are chronically ill, caregivers for those in great pain and close to the end, mothers who have recently lost their child or children in the last few years , seems we are all suffering so much.

I have struggled to not be  morbid, dark , negative or dwell too much in my blogging as when I first lost my daughter I wrote of my feelings and so many gave negative remarks, they hurt at a time when I could take no more. I have since been blessed with a following on my blog of good caring supportive people yet fear of losing them has kept me from writing what my heart is feeling…until this moment when I sit here at four a.m. unable to sleep.

I have dreamed of my daughter Klysta lately,  just seeing her in my sleep, her walking with those long legs stretched out in such large steps, she was tall for a woman 5’10” and thin. Beautiful black hair with streaks of gray . She would tell me she wanted to quit covering up the gray but wouldn’t until it looked like mine (I am nearly white-headed) and I would laugh knowing, hoping she would have many years to get there. What a slap in the face that she will never see her sons marry or be a grandmother, let alone go gray. She wanted more babies and when she couldn’t have more began to look forward to being a grandma and in the mean time doted on her nephews and others children.
I miss her so much, my heart screams out for her and I want to scream with the pain of missing her. Like being repeatedly being stabbed in the heart, losing my breath and feeling like I am drowning all at once.
The emptiness in my heart is so unbearable it causes my body to have pain in unimaginable ways.
I want to cry and I do,  it is at times like these when I can’t sleep that I do, if my hubs finds me crying he starts crying too thinking he has hurt me in someway (due to Alzheimer’s), or if I tell him I am thinking of Klysta he begins to cry  and that hurts me that he is hurting. Such a vicious cycle, I can not talk to my daughter DJ about her sister it upsets her so and AM has not been around since her sisters death. My sisters try to understand and be there for me but….
It doesn’t matter, nothing and I mean nothing takes the pain away, the yearning, the longing, the wishing life had been more fair to her. 
We didn’t always see eye to eye and we had our spats but I would give anything to have to pick up the phone and say I am sorry for something I said than to not be able to. I would give the rest of my days here on earth to have another week, day , year, moment to tell her how much I love her.
The hurt is so deep and when I try to explain to others how it feels or why I say or do what I do; and they don’t understand, that hurts too for then I feel negated, insignificant, like I shouldn’t have these feelings, but I do.  I can’t just turn off and on with my emotions I am human I am emotional and I am dictated to by those emotions. The pain, of physical, sexual, mental abuse and even abandonment by my parents, I have endured all this in my life and it has made me quite strong but nothing prepared me to be strong enough to lose my child and maintain a steady handle on reality anymore. I feel as if the last two years, one month and 21 days has tested my sanity level and I come up way short;  at this point I really don’t care I just want to wallow in my grief and pain and take care of it for me, instead of having to be so strong around others and for them. I really love my family but I wish some how they could all see how much I need them in my grieving process. I am tired of holding it in and going to this service today is going to be super hard, I can only pray God will give me the strength to get through it without making a fool of myself.
I am so afraid, so hurt still and I know I will never get over it …I wish I didn’t have to go but I owe it to my family to be there for them.

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