MUSIC

She listens to the old music of forty years ago
It helps her in some perverse way
as she remembers the little girl that
grabbed her hand and made her dance
to the old ballads of those such as
Patsy Cline, Loretta, Tammy Wynette.
Singing at the top of their lungs or
barely a whisper
Those little hands holding hers so tightly
knowing that was the best and safest place to be

For so long it was just the two of them and
they grew together this teenage mom and
her baby of such delight.
The love that came with the birth of this
child, hurt in it’s intensity. The purity of
that love never changed nor that intensity.
It was a love so dear and was to go on forever
until someone decided life of the young
woman was of no use and took it from her.

Now the old before her time woman, listens
to the old music of forty years ago and walks
the paths of memories and cries for the loss
of her first-born child.

KLYSTA LaNELL SCHRIEVER BRESHEARS AUGUST 20, 1969 ~ FEBRUARY 19, 2011
IF IT WILL BOTHER YOU READING ABOUT HER AND MY MEMORIES PLEASE MOVE ON TO ANOTHER BLOG PLEASE.

It has been six hundred seventy one days since my daughter took her last breath here on earth and I am that many days heartbroken. I miss her beautiful smile, laugh and hugs. I miss that coal black hair she inherited from her father’s side, the thickness and slight wave across her shoulders. She had beautiful long thin fingers what I call ‘piano players hands and fingers’ her ring size was a five and a half on her largest finger. But boy did she have big feet we used to tease her over those size 10’s and she hated her crooked toes. To me she was perfect, tall and thin, five foot eight inches yet she loved high heels.

Klysta loved to cook and she was quite good at it she especially liked seafood dishes. She was always in the water and I can’t remember but a few times in her life she did not have some aquatic creature floating somewhere. Not only did she love the creatures she was like a water nymph herself, I would place her in the bath tub when she was little and would get upset about something I just sat and read or watched her, she could entertain herself until her little pink fingers and toes were wrinkled and puckered. As an adult if she couldn’t get to the pool or lake she would fill whatever was big enough to hold her and in she would go.
As a young woman she could learn anything she set her mind to and learned it quickly. She moved to California as a new wife and mother, needing a job, she didn’t start at the bottom and work up she applied for and obtained a position as the administrative assistant to one of the vice presidents to Ford Motor Company. When she called home to tell me of the new position I questioned her abilities her reply was I found out what they needed went to the library checked out the computer books studied them that night went in the next day tested out and got the job. I was so very proud of her but I should have known she was the same way about everything in life if she could learn she would.

As a teenager in middle school she won a best grooming contest held over a weeks’ time judged by the health/pe teacher. Her picture and comments were in the local newspaper, if the school only knew what a monster that created I nearly went broke with her shampoos and bath needs. Every new product ended up in our bathroom and the aroma from there could be gardenias one day to lilacs or lavender the next. She was a friend to all she met never meeting a stranger, she was my best friend as she was to her sisters and many others. If you needed her she was there for you, but she would seldom share her own needs. Many I time I would call her and say what is going on or what is wrong she would reply how do you know when to call momma, she had a habit of not calling or coming home when things in her life were going wrong or she was in trouble financially or many other things her response if I asked why didn’t you tell me was she did not want to worry me.
She loved being a mom to her two sons although she never thought she was good enough no matter how much I told her how proud of her I was and what a good job she was doing. She loved those two boys beyond reason or good sense at times. As her sons became older she called me and apologized for all the trouble she had caused as a teenager, I reassured her she was not a problem and that her sons were finding their independence it wasn’t that she was a bad mother. She worried still that she had not done right by me or her boys, she gave me the utmost respect and love and oh how I miss that.

I miss feeling those long arms wrapping around me from behind and her breath and voice on my ear saying “I love you momma” or asking if I needed help if I was cooking. I miss dancing with her as we listened to Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive” or Tammy Wynette’s Divorce she loved when we cleaned house dancing with our dust clothes or brooms and mops using them as microphones.

Klysta loved people and she loved God’s word, I have my own mother to thank for that she took Klysta to church before I started going and once I started going she was fervent in teaching me what she knew.
We would stay up late at night reading our Bibles and she would read something jump up and say momma read this, read this or look momma look what Jesus says right here. She won so many souls to Christ.
I as her mother never felt adequate around this exceptional young woman, she would have been a wonderful mother in law and grandmother and looked forward to both. She spent fifteen thousand one hundred thirty four days on this earth and I am so blessed to have had her the majority of those days. I would give my own life to have one third of those days …no that is greedy I would give my life for ten more minutes with her to tell her how very much she is missed and loved, how I now know God’s plan was to take her when her work here was done. I don’t have to be happy about it but I do accept it .
I still grieve and shall every day of my life until I can walk through the pearly gates and see her smiling
face beaming at me and hear her say “Welcome home momma.”

Image

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DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I ADORED YOU?

NO MATTER WHERE IN THE WORLD YOU WERE

I LOVED AND ADORED YOU.

I WAS SO PROUD OF ALL YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS

EVEN WHEN YOU DIDN’T THINK YOU DESERVED IT

YOUR BEAUTY WAS WITHIN AND OUT

GOD’S LOVE MADE YOU SHINE AND SMILE

I ADORED HOW YOU BROUGHT OTHERS TO CHRIST

HOW YOU MADE SO MANY FRIENDS OVER THE YEARS

HOW THEY ALL BECAME LIFELONG FRIENDS THEN

YOU WERE AN AWESOME MOM TO YOUR BOYS

WITH AN UNFAILING LOVE FOR EACH OF THEM.

YOU ARE MISSED BY SISTERS, COUSINS, UNCLES

AND ALL THOSE WHOSE LIVES YOU TOUCHED

I MISS YOU EVEN TODAY THE FOUR~HUNDRED` FORTIETH

AS MUCH AS I DID THE FIRST DAY WITHOUT YOU

I LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH MY DAUGHTER

I CAN NOT WAIT TO SEE YOU IN HEAVEN.

****

AS YOU WALKED THRU THE GATES OF HEAVEN ENTERING GODS OPEN ARMS THAT HURTFUL DAY WE YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY BEGAN TO MOURN OUR LOSS, FOR YOU GAVE TO EACH OF US A DISTINCT PART OF YOURSELF.
TO YOUR MANY FRIENDS YOU GAVE A SMILE, A HUG, A LOVE AND COMPASSION THAT SAID I AM HERE FOR YOU. THAT LOVE WAS RETURNED TEN-FOLD I AM SURE.
TO YOUR SONS, YOU GAVE LOVE AND GUIDANCE. YOU HELPED THEM TO BECOME INDEPENDENT THINKERS AND HOW TO STAND STRONG IN LIFE, HOW TO DEAL WITH THE ISSUES LIFE THROWS IN FRONT OF THEM.
TO YOUR SISTERS THE “POWER OF THREE” IS NO LONGER A PHYSICAL FORCE HERE ON EARTH BUT I KNOW YOU WATCH FROM HEAVEN AND WHEN THEY NEED “THE POWER OF THREE,” YOU WILL BE THERE FOR THEM.

YOU GAVE TO DAD AND I SUCH JOY, YOUR SMILE EACH TIME YOU CAME HOME WAS LIKE THE BRIGHTEST SUN EVER TO SHINE.
I FEEL WHEN I LOST YOU A PART OF ME BECAME LOST AS WELL. MY WORLD, OUR WORLD HAS COMPLETELY TURNED UPSIDE DOWN. MY HEART IS BREAKING AND THINKING OF WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN AND NEVER WILL BE.
PEOPLE SAY, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, I LOST MY MOM , DAD OR ANOTHER LOVED ONE. I TOO HAVE HAD THESE LOSSES BUT A CHILD, A CHILD SHOULD NOT GO BEFORE YOU, IT’S JUST WRONG, UNNATURAL.
YOU WERE KIND, SINCERE, GENEROUS AND BEAUTIFUL . YOU HAD A LOYALTY AND COMPASSION FOR ALL OF YOUR LOVED ONES.
GOD, PLEASE BLESS OUR BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER AND WATCH OVER HER IN YOUR BEAUTIFUL HOME.
KLYSTA SOME DAY WE WILL JOIN YOU AND HOLDING HANDS WILL WALK THROUGH HEAVEN IN THAT BEAUTIFUL RADIANT LIGHT AND OUR HEARTS WILL BE HEALED AGAIN.
GOD, PLEASE BLESS OUR BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER AND WATCH OVER HER IN YOUR BEAUTIFUL HOME.

MISSING YOU
I LAUGH AS I SAT THERE CHATTING WITH VISITORS
INSIDE I AM SCREAMING GO PLEASE JUST GO AWAY
I WANT TO BE ALONE, CRY AND SCREAM AND PRAY

NO ONE TO TALK TO THAT KNEW YOU
OR THOSE THAT SAY IT’S OK YOU’LL GET OVER IT

NO, NO, YOU DON’T EVER I’M NOT STUPID I KNOW
YOUR JUST TRYING TO PACIFY ME, PAT MY SHOULDER
PHONY HUGS

HEAVY HEART, HEAVY, HEAVY PHYSICAL BODY, LORD THE
SADNESS IN MY HEART
I LAUGH… I SMILE, I CHAT, LOOK INTO MY EYES DO YOU SEE
THE TEARS, THE SADNESS, THE DEAD SOUL.

YOU SEE WHAT YOU WANT, WHATS EASY FOR YOU TO DO OR SAY
TOO AFRAID TO BUSY TOO REALLY SEE WHO I AM NOW OR WHAT I NEED

12 WEEKS HAVE PASSED NO ONE SAYS YOUR NAME TO ME
JUST REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES IS WHAT THEY SAY WHEN
I WANT TO SPEAK YOUR NAME.

I AM SO ALONE IN MY GRIEF , I AM SO TIRED IN MY GRIEF..
I JUST WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOU.

WONDER

what were your last thoughts
was it travel with ticket bought
did you know somehow
of your ascension to heaven
did you know we would
grieve for you and our world
is now hell twenty~four seven
do you know now how much
you were are will forever be
loved?
Wonder all these with no answers

RIP KLYSTA LaNELL 08-20-69~~ 02-19-11

She hadn’t been gone twenty-four hours yet
body grown cold is all
others entered and said I want I want
take this put this in box oh take that
I want I want I want
how could you do that when she hadn’t been gone a day
didn’t it matter to you that she was gone?
Why would you think in the first 12-14 hours that anyone had the right to go in her home and take her things.
I don’t care what you took, for nothing in this world has value without her here.
But memories and a few photographs you have should suffice,
but taking her things like that says your heart was ice.

The smell of cigarette smoke or a light perfume, sometimes a shampoo one of them wore. These are the smells of family gone to the hereafter so why am I smelling these odors?
We, my husband and I, even a few sensitive visitors have remarked on these odors asking if I had taken up smoking again. My answer is of course not . So which member of my family is visiting and how will I ever know? I have seen my father many a time standing at the end of my bed with his flannel shirt open over a dark t-shirt, with his Pall Mall cigarettes in the pocket and a hammer in his fist. As if I wouldn’t know him with out that hammer. Or perhaps he wants me to compliment him on something he has fixed around the house.
I never ‘see’ mother but I wake often calling for her, my daughter I have had a visit from her and I feel her at times round me and I believe it is her shampoo I smell.
So why am I having these visits? Yesterday leaving the store my husband and I both remarked as we pulled out that we smelled cigarette smoke, although we had windows up we at first explained it by saying someone just walked by the car smoking, but the smell got stronger the farther we got from the store and stronger still as we arrived home twenty plus miles west. Guess all I want to say is if I seemed to have lost my mind entirely in the very near future tis why right here in the telling of the story!

RACKED IN PAIN
Been racked in pain all day all week

dreading this season of family and joy
Knowing that candles will be lit for you
empty chairs at many tables just for you

Does anyone but another mother understand this pain
recognize that this child carried nine months in my womb,
fed by my blood, able to breathe by my breath
the back aches, the swollen feet, the cravings,
the pain of labor, the crashing wave after wave of
those contractions taking our breath and arching our backs
the pushing and gnashing of teeth and the screams of agony
all to push this perfect miniature us that we made into the world
kicking and screaming saying ‘here I am adore me now”

All of that and then to have some monster take you from me
For what, For what, Why, What was the point ?
God one minute I hate you and scream my hatred to you
then beg forgiveness and profess my belief and faith
Lord why why after all of that did you take her? She
was a loving gentle hearted person. She was too young
to go and in such a horrible manner.

My heart is so heavy, my tears won’t stop
My beautiful angel in heaven, momma misses you
loves you and can’t wait to see you
God why?

God it isn’t right to take a child
from its mother by murder or illness
BOOKS

Picking up the basket of books that sat along side my bed
I realized I had one that you had loaned me. It was on the
last book of the Bible, Revelations
As I flipped through the pages just scanning I realized I was
holding and touching the last book you touched here at home
then for some reason without a conscious thought I looked at
my right hand as I brought it up to my lips and kissed your ring.
I waked into the other room setting the basket down , picked
up the small gold angel from the mantel. As I held and caressed
this inanimate object I began to cry deep sorrowful cries. For now
in my hands I hold a part of you in your ashes and the book you so
lovingly said ‘momma you need to read this’ and the ring upon my
finger.
The Revelation came so quickly it near took my breath away
you have been gone for seven months today! My heart feels as if
it was just yesterday. I still want to pick up the phone to hear your
voice, to say sissy how are you? what are you doing?
I glance at the top of the stairs and see you standing there as you
did on so , occasions, your sparkling brown eyes and
long wavy hair with its streaks of silver.

In closing my eyes I can see all the times we were together
I loved that we were so close and it was always just you
and I when you were little. How as you grew into a beautiful young
woman your heart never hardened no matter how the world treated you.
My beautiful angel I thank you for the Revelation tonight and remember
my love , my mother love will always be, no matter how far heaven is from me ,
Rest In Peace my Daughter.

Only twenty days before the gathering of family and friends in most homes across America for Thanksgiving, a time when those we love and care about come together to share a meal and hopefully to thank and love each other.
I am feeling melancholy, sad, depressed ok even angry that this is my second year without my oldest and youngest daughters, Klysta passed 621 days ago, Andrea has chosen to not be with her family.

I miss them both so very much but Klysta because she loved the family gatherings, the coming home and making of memories. She adored each member and brought out the best in each one, she believed in love of family and being close.
Perhaps she had some inherent sense that her time on earth wasn’t long so she loved us so intensely.
I am so angry that she was taken the way she was all because someone was so jealous of the love she shared with family. I have forgiven him for taking her life but I can’t forget and it doesn’t ease my heart tonight. I want to be angry about this, I want to curse and scream and cry great huge tears sobbing to the point of near choking. I want to just slap the crap out of him!
I want God to take away the hurt.

I want Andrea to come home and share her life and family with us. She knows we all love and miss her and how hurt we all are over Klysta passing how could she intentionally hurt all of us like this? I just don’t understand.

I have tried praying and letting go and letting God but in this respect I am just so lost and weak.
I know it is not for me to question His plans and purpose but God please someone tell me why any mother should have to suffer so?

I have so much to be thankful for but right now I don’t want to be thankful or good or prayerful I want to wallow in my self-pity and grief and anger and I don’t want to have to think about it all being sinful.

I want my babies home to hug and hold to say I love you one more time.ImageImage

******

It seems each day that passes
others fail to remember you
no one speaks your name
they are all in their own game
Do they still think of how sweet
how not one could you mistreat?
Are your pictures poured over
tear drops to cover
I will never forget you my first-born
Each day my heart will mourn….
I love and miss you sissy.

MURDER BY MORPHINE

There is a murderer in southern Missouri
He walks the streets everyday knowing what he has done
Does he have guilt or remorse, this I don’t believe
how can you not feel that way taking the life
of such a beautiful person?
This person stops in for a beer, he goes
out for a meal with his family, he looks
perfectly normal but his heart is black with
the evil he has done.
He took the life of a beautiful God loving
young woman, a daughter, a mother, a sister,
an aunt, a cousin, a friend she was someone
without enemies.
Was it jealousy that made you take her life,
was it anger, or just a prank gone wrong?
Do you know she was coming home the next day?
Did you not want her to leave?
Will I ever know why you destroyed my whole family
by your actions?
I wish you would give me answers I wish you would get caught
so that I could ask you WHY WHY WHY??????
Do I hate you I don’t know I only know you destroyed me.

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