MEMORIES

August 20, 1969 a beautiful girl child was brought unto this earth
A six pound 4 ounce 22 and a quarter inch long brown eyed angel
She was named for a moon of Saturn for her momma was a child
of the sixties so to speak and she was over the moon having this
girl child to love and adore.

This angel grew into a lovely young woman with a heart full of love
for family and God above. It surprised many that she had such a
deep and abiding love of the Lord.
No matter the faith or love she
had for Him she had her demons as well  things happened to her
that were evil and her momma couldn’t prevent these things.
It caused her to turn to alcohol as she got older
it was a struggle all her adult life, it became
her coping mechanism.

She overcame this demon and had her life back on track by the time
her sons graduated high school she then decided it was time
to care for herself and was on the way to do that when fate or hate
stepped in and took the angels life.

Now we all cope our own way, her dad and I cry when we need to and shake our
heads at the loss of one so dear and we pray for understanding. We know all the
sane reasons “she had finished her work here” God needed her home etc. but
our hearts still ache, we are still tortured by the loss of our angel.

As a wife, mother and grandmother how do I help the others when I hurt so badly myself
when I just want to step outside again and scream, and scream, and scream WHY GOD WHY???
I know rationally there is no answer but my beautiful daughter did not deserve to die the way she did
I try to look at her pictures and remember how beautiful she was but most of the time I see her
lying on that cold steel table with bruises all over her body and that horrible black eye and her
broken nails and Oh God why

DON’T INSULT ME
through this journey of losing my daughter and the grief we go through daily minute by minute,
many times
we have had others say “oh I know, I lost my Mother, Father, sister, brother etc.”
that is a tragic loss and the pain is great the grieving hard, no denying.
But I can not see in my heart ache how that type of loss (and I have suffered each
of these four times, can possibly compare to the heart ache, heart and gut wrenching
hole it leaves in your heart and soul and mind that losing a child you have given life to
can even be remotely comparable.
I do not wish to offend or insult anyone and their grieving but as they say “until you
have (God Forbid) walked in these moccasins don’t presume to know”

The agony, the heart-break is recurring, each time there is a moment of silence, a song
a phrase, a child in the grocery calling out for “moma” to give that mule kick to the stomach
heart stopping, losing your breath feeling of the first knowledge of the loss.
Please understand our grief is real , especially as a mother as you have carried that
little body for nine wonderful months giving life force with every breath, every bite or drink of
nourishment. You were the first to offer nourishment upon that child’s birth, you nurture, and
cherish each breath that child has taken; you hurt when they hurt, you laugh when they laugh. Just
please, please don’t compare and if you haven’t lost a child I pray you never do. God Bless.

*****

I don’t know how to stop the pain

I don’t know how to stop grieving for you

How to stop crying, how to stop thinking

Of you my first~ born,

I don’t ever want you forgotten

by any one but no one listens

when I try to talk about you

I want to remind them of your smile

your favorite color of purple, flower Iris

how you loved the water the ocean or lake

how when you couldn’t get to the water

you made your own pool… in the kiddie pool

just to be in the water.

I haven’t forgotten your long arms hugging

me , your cheek against mine whisperingImage

I love you momma.

How you would call saying

“I need to come home, I

need my momma time”.

I miss you my darling daughter

and wish you a Happy Mother’s Day

in Heaven.

***

 

 

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