Archive | January 2014

TALK TO ME

I wish someone, anyone would talk to me about Klysta. Everyone is afraid to because they may upset me they say….well yes I will cry, but I might laugh too. I might stop thinking she meant nothing to anyone, is that the way of it…someone dies they are no longer anything to anyone? 
As a mother I can tell you she will always always be a part of me she is  in my heart  and her dying tore me up inside and does to this day. I still want to scream out the pain inside me . Will this ever end this depth of agony in my soul? Just talk to me, tell me you miss her to, hug me, offer me tissues, laugh with me over her antics. Cry with me because you hurt too. Let me know you understand and will share my hurt.

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the first year is shock, you go through the motions. Second year is insanity and learning to smile instead of cry, coming up on third year next month I hope I can find acceptance, I don’t know if it gets any easier ( I don’ think it ever will ).  I am beginning to understand that as much as I want Klysta back …that is not a choice I can have. I chose to have her, love her  make her the best she could be in every aspect she desired, I had no choice in letting her go. Don’t give up on coping, hope and acceptance , we all go differently and at our own pace for grieving our beloved children, I pray God gives you comfort and peace, I think He is trying very hard to give me the same. Love to all

OLDER POSTS

RACKED IN PAIN
Been racked in pain all day all week

dreading this season  of family and joy
Knowing that candles will be lit for you
empty chairs at many tables just for you
 
Does anyone but another mother understand this pain
recognize that this child carried nine months in my womb,
fed by my blood, able to  breathe by my  breath
the backaches, the swollen feet, the cravings,
the pain of labor, the crashing wave after wave of
those contractions taking our breath and arching our backs
the pushing and gnashing of teeth and the screams of agony
all to push this perfect miniature us that we made into the world
kicking and screaming saying ‘here I am adore me now”
 
All of that and then to have some monster take you from me
For what, For what, Why, What was the point ?
God one minute I hate you and scream my hatred to you
then beg forgiveness and profess my belief and faith
Lord why why after all of that did you take her? She
was a loving gentle hearted person. She was too young
to go and in such a horrible manner.
 
My heart is so heavy, my tears won’t stop
My beautiful angel in heaven, momma misses you
loves you and can’t wait to see you
God why?
 
 
God it isn’t right to take a child
from its mother by murder or illness
SOMEDAY
Someday I hope to look back on today …my first family holiday without you, and not feel the sadness and emptiness I felt today. Someday I hope to look across the table on this family holiday and have your sisters and nephews there. Someday I hope to look across the table and see your sons,  my grandsons there. Someday I hope to look across the table and see brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews and their offspring there. Someday  I hope to look across the table and join hands with you and all the other loved ones passed and with Our Saviour Jesus Christ . Until that someday please know you are missed and loved and a candle was lit for you today and will be many times over, a chair will be set close  so that we can be reminded of loved ones gone. But you my precious daughter will be held in my heart so tightly you will never ever be just a reminder for you are a part of me, blood of my blood, breath of my breath. RIP my angel , my love, my heart. KLYSTA LaNELL SCHRIEVER ~ BRESHEARS

 

AUGUST 20TH, 1969~~ FEBRUARY 19TH, 2011

 

WELCOME HOME year after year the candle stood in the window guiding you home to the ones that loved you. our hearts filled with anxiety until your arrival turning in the drive I would whisper “thank you Lord” now the candle in the window has been replaced by a black wreath and your picture the anxiety now is only for the “why why Lord” love in my heart for you still and for ever a longing that flares like the flame of that old candle to embrace you again just one more time to feel your sweet breath upon my cheek your arms around me once more bittersweet memories for now your gone as the flame on that ol’candle now gone and cold

AUGUST 2013

FOR EVERY SECOND
Like the clear sparkling water flowing down stream
Tears flow down cheeks in a gentle stream
Each tear cried for every second you have been missed

Seeing in the mirror the deeper grooves in the face
Streaks of silver in nearly all the hair, the dullness of eyes
Time, pain and grief have erased the beauty that could have been

Unable after all this time to speak your name
In memory of happier times shared with you
Without the flood of grief withering my heart and soul

Like the clear sparkling water flowing down stream
My tears flow down my cheeks in a gentle stream
Grieving for the loss of you.

My angel girl would have been forty~four this year
REST IN PEACE MY BABY GIRL
Klysta LaNell
August 20, 1969 ~ February 19, 2011

 

A DAY

ANOTHER  DAY
She awoke this morning,
sun shining through the window,
stared hard  in the mirror,
something flitted across her mind.

No one there to see her wake,
No one to share a smile ,
when she does she feels like,
all days are worth a smile.

She went into work today,
remotely, blindly, by rote
she looked at plans for tomorrow,
is sad realizing nobody calls, no one cares.

She got on the bus to go home today,
someones stereo played a song,
it reminded her of you,
and how hurtful it is you’re gone.

She called  a friend tonight,
smiled and wore a brave face,
when the friend had no time to listen,
for all she really wants in life,
is to have you in this place.

She gets a depressed feeling,
one which won’t disappear,
what’s the point in all of this?
what’s the point of being here?
She tried to sleep that night,
tried to prepare for work ahead,
what is the use when your not here
down the hall and in your bed.

Older Posts

Found these in an old notebook, I did not date them but I am sure it was not too long after my daughters death.

Tears wet my cheeks
Tears wet my pillow
I can feel my heart bleed
I can feel hatred growng within like a weed.
You loved her??????
You loved her to death!
******
The why echoes throughout my mind
I do not understand
I cannot see
Much like the blind
*******

Stumbling through each day
reminders of you
Each way I turn
Why ? I ask as tears my cheeks burn
******
Sorrow, sorrow, sorrow
pain and sorrow, sorrow
dear God do not make me
live until tomorrow.
******

RAIN OF GRIEF

When we love someone and they die a part of us does as well.
 Our hearts and theirs were joined, a piece of us, and the grief is a physical pain within us like an abscess.
We become empty inside wondering how to go on, if and will we be able to go on?
Now that time has stood still inside of us,the tears we shed speak volumes…silently.
Grief becomes our constant companion as we search for the answer to the mysteries of life and death. As we begin to accept the loss we also begin the ritual of remembering;  looking at photos seeing a cherished item, hearing a song or phrase, recognizing the smile of our loved one in a child, their height or color of their hair, the shape of a brow all reminders of our loss.
It is a pain we will carry until we too die, each of us feels grief at greater depths, at different times, and not one person’s grief is greater than another’s.

Unless, unless as a mother you have lost a child then I believe the grief far exceeds any known to humankind.

My tears run silently down my cheeks like silver rain on the window pane
I can feel each raindrop recycled into my teardrops
I am grieving and the heavens have opened up to grieve with me
Rain building into puddles, pooling in the gutters rushing, washing,
mud and sticks and trash away;

but not the pain in my gut, my heart.
I cannot stop it, this flood of rain I know it will soon end
will that be the end of my grief …no… not until the end of me…

Copyright 2013 LWC