Archive | December 2013

NUMBERS

Our life is full of numbers, our birth date, the birthdays that follow, school days, wedding day, then anniversaries or divorce dates, children’ birthdays, graduations, marriages, grandchildren, and all the numbered days in between, even our days on earth are numbered.
Today marks two years, ten months and ten days since my daughters death, February 19, 2011. I don’t know whether to count from that day as the day my heart broke or if it is broken further everyday since that horrid phone call, or is it the day my sanity was lost.
Today Dec. 29, 2013 I am so freaking angry, sad and lonely. I want to curse and drink and act out to relieve the anger, the anger at losing Klysta, anger that my life changed so dramatically that day. Nothing and I mean nothing in my life has been right since.
I am tumbling, spiraling into depression again and fighting as hard as I can to stay above the darkness. Sleep is not forthcoming until I am so exhausted my body rebels against my mind and collapses exhausted. 
I am so angry I take it out on others and don’t even realize it most of the time, and saying it is “just me” doesn’t work it is a cop -out, a lame excuse for causing others hurt because I am hurt and angry. At this point I don’t ‘feel’ I only lash out I am unable to see others hurt and grief as mine blinds me to the signs of theirs. I don’t like me anymore.
I want to crawl into the bed cover my head and never face the world again…I want to die but something holds me back from doing anything about it. My days are numbered by another I am told anyway.
Speaking of the Great omnipotent one, “God” he has sure let me down, prayers have gotten me no where in release of the pain. Reaching out to him has made me even angrier at him for taking my daughter and leaving my family in shambles, I don’t believe for one minute in all things are his purpose and plan…what purpose could he have to cause this much heartache and chaos in my mind that I would really like to have an answer to.
I keep the television on twenty hours of the day so the noise keeps me from thinking, even as I write this it is on, I go to facebook and play games giving cyber friends my quick answers or opinions to keep from crying more than I have already each day. I try to read but find I cannot still my mind long enough to understand so I read and then reread finally closing the book and setting it aside, to collect dust where it lies. Unable to concentrate has affected my writing I have chapters of novels that I will never complete; the passion for such has left me. What is the point? I will never have a finished product to attain a publish date.
I no longer listen to music, it either stirs up the crying or grates my nerves. I go nowhere for pleasure as my health keeps me pretty much house bound if I do go out I am hurting physically so bad by the time I am finished it takes days to recuperate. I eat all the time to quiet the scream rising in my throat, if I ever let it out it will drive me mad and into an asylum.Maybe I should be there anyway.
 I am muddling through the days, waking everyday with an ‘oh no’ knowing I have to face another day. The bit of sunshine in my life is my middle daughter and one grandson that still come around, my only hope is that someday I will again see my youngest daughter and grandson. My husband is lost and grieving and angry and no longer the man I once knew as I am no longer the woman I used to be. I miss me, us, my family, most of all I miss my daughter Klysta. I know life as I once knew it to be will never be again as someone said our normal is no longer normal when you lose a child…I know mine isn’t and never will be. I am just so freaking mad at the days, the number of days I must continue to live in this pain. 

 

HEARTACHE

How to explain to others how your heart hurts,
to say a piece of my heart is gone,
that tears are the only way to express
unless you want to hear me scream
because I could so easily
scream out my  pain
till my throat would bleed
if it would help others understand
yet how can I hope you would
when I don’t understand the why,
or the suffering, pain, or heart ache
myself, I can only cry.

OUR THIRD

Today our third Christmas without you has been an up and down seesaw of emotions. Was glad for those that were here and missing our angel in heaven and the youngest lost in her mind.
For me the agony in my heart, knowing the eldest can never be with me again and the piercing pain within  my soul knowing the youngest chooses not to be with me or any family member not even a phone call causes my heart to break over and over. Does one outweigh the other I don’t know, would I move forward or ‘on’ as people keep telling me to in, my grieving for Klysta if Andrea Marie would come back into my life, that one I don’t know either. I do know my heart is so heavy and I keep praying yet I continue to grieve for the loss of my oldest and my youngest. I am blessed to have Dusti Jean and the bit of life she shares with me and my wonderful grandson Eric he is such a sweet loving caring child she is doing wonders with him.
I see the gifts we bought for Devlin, Andreas son, our youngest grandson under the tree and in a few days I will put them in the closet in hope that someday they will be given to him along with the birthday cards for both of them.
Holidays are very hard when we have loved and lost or are losing loved ones due to incurable disease or infirmity, it is a mystery to me why, and that is the million dollar plus question for every parent, why, why must we suffer so much by losing our children?

I have told my daughter Klysta’s story so many times, to strangers because family knows what happened, and those strangers or supposed friends say” get over it, move on, let go let God, you need to pray,” or the worst is “put her pictures away find somewhere else to place her ashes so that you don’t see ‘that’ everyday.” Needless to say they are not the kind of friends I want.
What I haven’t been able to do with family is sit and cry and grieve and tell of  my grief. How I imagine her last days, how she must have been in so much pain from her abuser/killers hands, how does it feel to have your esophagus busted and be bleeding inside? How does the bruises on your body feel or the side of your face and eye being swollen? How does it feel to have someone poison you, how does your body react in those moments before your lungs won’t take in air and your heart just stops? Did she know she was dying? Did she know enough to call out to our Lord, or to call out for me, as I call out to my momma when I am in need and hurting?
There is not one day since the day she died that I have not thought these things, think of her and hurt for her, and yes even beat myself up covered in anger at myself…why oh why didn’t I INSIST on going to get her when she called the Wednesday before she died, why did I not just get in my car and drive the two hundred fifty miles instead of listening to her say” it’s okay momma I will be there Sunday” and she wasn’t, she wasn’t, her life had been taken from her! Because I did not go that Wednesday night…will God ever forgive me, will I ever forgive myself?

The mask I put on each day is getting harder than easier, most days I do not even WANT to get out of bed. But I do because my husband needs me. I do not know what will happen when he goes, I don’t think I have anything else to live for, no one needs me, each member of my family has their own life and making their own way and yes dealing with the loss of their sister, aunt, cousin, niece and mother in their way. It is one of the saddest things I know and see, that this family could not come together to support one another in this the most tragic thing to happen to all of us. But I know this too is my fault.

I wish the holidays and birthdays and anniversaries of death could be wiped off my calendar, and out of my mind. I keep the television on almost 24/7, because I just want to lose myself and let the world go by without me, I don’t want to think. When I begin to think, I cry silently so I don’t disturb the hubs when really I just want to scream as loud and as long as my voice holds out. If I was a drinking person I would crack open a bottle of some kind of whiskey and guzzle it till I lost my breath and passed out so I wouldn’t think. I am so tired of me and my drama, my self pity, most of all being lost.

I am  grieving, I will grieve everyday for the rest of my life, I will agonize everyday for the rest of my life if I had just made the drive to pick her up….

A blogging friend who also lost her daughter said it this way… “There is an aching in my soul and a hole in my heart. There is always a part of me that is always aware that “my child is dead.” I will never be complete again. Nothing or no one can fill the place my child had in my life and heart! …Tersia Burger

I was going to apologize for writing this, but I am not ashamed that my mask of grief has been taken off, I am tired tonight and wearing it is heavy. It is a burden that I carry not with pride but with honor, honor that I was blessed with my beautiful Klysta for forty-one years and I am honored that I was her mother for that brief time.
Rip my beloved Klysta LaNell Aug 20, 1969 ~ Feb 19, 2011

MY ANGEL

MY ANGEL

Merry Christmas in Heaven
My beautiful daughter,
you are so very very much
loved and missed!

THE PATH

I walk this path alone
This path of sorrow
Of burdens and pain

I walk this road empty
Feeling so useless
Without a purpose
This path so painful
This path made by tears

@Copyright Len Williams ~Carver 2011~2013

NOT A GOOD DAY

I apologize in advance for not answering all the comments made on my blog and for not reading all the email and prompts today. I am in a great spiral of depression and fighting as hard as I can to keep myself up it is  hard the vortex is strong.
I was unpacking boxes in our store room last night (yes I know been here a year and should have been done already) anyway I ran across mementos of daughter then realized in forty days it will be two years she has been gone…there fore the depression. I am so angry right now and lets face it  feeling sorry for myself too.
I miss her so much, she wasn’t just my first born she was my best friend and I know God’s plan and all that but it still isn’t right she should still be here with me, for me as I age,  not gone and waiting for me.
I feel like the load is just so great and don’t know if I am strong enough to carry on at times like this. There are mountains, valleys, rivers I have been over and through but this one, this one may be the final step on this path of life if it continues to burden my heart  …..