2017

I realize the year is not over but I feel the need to briefly write about some of the struggles.
January my sweet grandson took his life by stepping in front of a vehicle on the interstate, he left a voicemail saying he couldn’t handle his life anymore and wanted to be with his mom my daughter Klysta. They are together now.
My daughter Dusti Jean and grandson Eric left in Jan 2016 after the death of my ex-husband and I did not know where they were. Dusti still won’t come around but Eric does. He no longer lives with his mom as she has drug and emotional problems and won’t let family help her.
My youngest daughter and grandson live close and we see them quite a bit if she doesn’t get too sick, she has PTSD from severe domestic violence.
The end of June my husband became quite ill he lost fifty pounds in four weeks and we, doctors included thought he had cancer and was going to leave us. Thankfully it wasn’t that but he did lose a kidney and had a small stroke a TIA I believe is what they called it. He wears a catheter now and of course, the diabetes is hard to control. He has Alzheimer’s as well, every day is different but the change of his personality is what bothers me most, he was always such a quiet man like a big teddy bear in all aspects, but now he is angry and yells all the time at everything.
He was in the hospital for over a month and then in a rehabilitation center for a month so that brings us to September and a bit of normalcy with no sickness or death>
Now it is November and I am of course all weepy and depressed thinking of the holidays and all those that have left us and how empty my life is now.
I am grateful I really am but feel like if you could see into my mind and how empty it is you would understand my being so depressed. But what does it matter? I will continue on, remembering when I was strong and had a purpose when I was able to clean my own home, do my own shopping, laundry etc. I will be knocked down again and again but I will get up each time, for what else are we meant to do.

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Tears

Staring out over the water
Wondering how much of it
Are my tears?
A mother grieving her child
At this same spot year after year
The water laps onto the shore
Bringing with it memories
And questions of why?
No answers ever come
Each day the heart cries out
Asking for strength and courage
For faith to get me through
Each day as I miss you.
I gave you my heart
I gave you life at birth
I wish I could give life…again.

© Copyright 2017, All Rights Reserved

2,408 days

 

I count the tears, I count the days
waiting for the pain to ease
sometimes it does…then
you are suddenly there
in my mind and I start to count again…

17,566 days since your birth
15,158 days you had here on earth
2,408 days since I last gazed upon your face
2,408 days since your last breath
2,408 days that is how long my heart has ached for you
2,408 days of tears & asking why
2,408 days of missing you my beautiful daughter

This entry was posted on September 24, 2017. 2 Comments

Holidays

Middle of the holiday season and all these years passed my heart is still wrenched daily with missing you, knowing you are no longer here to celebrate.
I am stuck in this grief and it roars to life without warning and knocks me to my knees again and again.
How is a person supposed to live with so much pain, so much hurt, so much misery?
The hours and the days go by with me in such a fog, without a purpose of any value.
You now have beautiful grandchildren that will never know you and it rips another hole in my heart knowing how much you looked forward to being a grandmother.
Oh, my beautiful Klysta you are missed so much.

This entry was posted on December 5, 2016. 2 Comments

Seasons Change

Fall has arrived and with it, my feelings of missing you
are exponentially worse than any other season.
I remember how excited your sisters would be for Halloween and
their love of the crisp air and golden leaves.
For you my pet it was the excitement of helping make the menu for
the holidays. Although the menu seldom changed for Thanksgiving
it was the one time you insisted on trying a new recipe.
Oh, how you looked forward to the family being together and showing
off your new dish.
Our last holiday together and now it leaves me sad and hollow inside
Thanksgiving is no longer a time for family nor thankfulness.
I miss you, my beautiful child, I miss you so.

I Call Your Name …

I dream of you and wake believing you are here
But you don’t answer when I call out for you
The sledgehammer hits my heart taking my breath
The wrenching sobs and flowing tears
Tear my heart into…again.. .and again
You are gone from me …forever..

ANOTHER YEAR

Another year has passed
One of birthdays and holidays
Another year of daily tears
One of loving and missing you
Another year of normal that will never be
Five years of pain without you

 

This entry was posted on February 19, 2016. 2 Comments