Middle of the holiday season and all these years passed my heart is still wrenched daily with missing you, knowing you are no longer here to celebrate.
I am stuck in this grief and it roars to life without warning and knocks me to my knees again and again.
How is a person supposed to live with so much pain, so much hurt, so much misery?
The hours and the days go by with me in such a fog, without a purpose of any value.
You now have beautiful grandchildren that will never know you and it rips another hole in my heart knowing how much you looked forward to being a grandmother.
Oh, my beautiful Klysta you are missed so much.
Fall has arrived and with it, my feelings of missing you
are exponentially worse than any other season.
I remember how excited your sisters would be for Halloween and
their love of the crisp air and golden leaves.
For you my pet it was the excitement of helping make the menu for
the holidays. Although the menu seldom changed for Thanksgiving
it was the one time you insisted on trying a new recipe.
Oh, how you looked forward to the family being together and showing
off your new dish.
Our last holiday together and now it leaves me sad and hollow inside
Thanksgiving is no longer a time for family nor thankfulness.
I miss you, my beautiful child, I miss you so.
I dream of you and wake believing you are here
But you don’t answer when I call out for you
The sledgehammer hits my heart taking my breath
The wrenching sobs and flowing tears
Tear my heart into…again.. .and again
You are gone from me …forever..
Does it…ever? Is it because the holidays are approaching and Thanksgiving was the last holiday we had together? Probably but I feel shredded inside, my blood is slogging through my veins sustaining life that I don’t want. My eyes are continuously red and swollen. Pity party of one? Yes God yes, I am wallowing in the self-pity of losing my child, and why not it isn’t like in the four years shes been gone I have had anyone to talk to about her. My “family” doesn’t understand the pain and my lashing out so they fight with me and disown me. If my husband could remember I am sure he would say the usual “it will be ok” Gah how I resent him for not going to her memorial service with me! I did everything packed, booked tickets , made the arrangements for his mother and other family members, what did he do when our daughter passed he flippin stayed home because he couldn’t leave the dog alone!!! The damn dog was more important. No I don’t expect at this late date for anyone to help me through this I just want my life to be over, so I don’t have to deal with this pain anymore.
4 years 9 months and 15 hours ago my oldest daughter passed away by another’s hand, every day in all this time I have cried and grieved as I miss her so much. That day changed me forever more than anyone can or will ever understand, others grieve for her, but no one can understand the grief a mother feels.
Chasing the minutes, the hours of each day
Continuing the fight to keep the lump in my throat
and the tears away
Emotions in chaos, out of control, highs and lows
The hole in my heart, the void so hard to bear
I thank God for each day he let me hold you near
Have a beautiful birthday in heaven my beautiful daughter
Klysta LaNell Breshears
August 20, 1969 ~ February 19, 2011